Anders

Dear Anders,

I honestly did not believe I would make it this far without you here on this earth. I am sure if you still had the same state of mind you did before you passed, one year ago, you would be angry that I have cried as much as I have over losing and missing you. While on this earth, you never understood how I could be so sad when someone close to me died or was very sick. You would always say, “Mom, they have served their purpose on this earth and it is time for them to go.” The beauty is I know you were right, baby boy; but I also know you completely understand my immense sadness now. I know you understand why I practiced tough love [with you] throughout your struggles with drugs. I truly know that. I have felt you and your compassion throughout this year in so many beautiful and loving ways. Thank you for looking after Jonas and helping to put solid, loving people and amazing opportunities in his life. He misses you so much, sweetheart.

Even though I would give anything to hug and talk to you again, I know you are finally at peace. I will never forget when you were 6-years old and you couldn’t sleep – you could never sleep!! You asked, “Mom, do you think God created the universe and then the universe created our earth?” Ha, those were the thoughts keeping you awake at 6-years old??!! Your mind never stopped! Your creativity never stopped!! You were a genius!!! And unfortunately, that brought a lot of demons along with it. Do you remember when I asked you, “What is it about heroin?” Your answer, “It feeds my soul.” My answer to you was, “Yes, but temporarily and you will have to keep feeding it with the drug.” Do you remember that night we both sobbed when you showed me your track marks because we both knew what it meant? Anders, it brings me immense peace knowing you do not have to keep feeding and entertaining those demons – they cannot touch you anymore. They cannot hurt you anymore. You are free.

Do you remember this past June, when I was at a concert and the artist dedicated a song to his dad who had just died? I started to cry and literally under my breath said to you, “Oh Anders, I just want to be with you right now.” Your instant reply, in your Ders way was, “Nope, Mom. You have shit to do.” It was as if you were sitting next to me and whispering those words in my ear. You are/were right. I DO have shit to do. I am figuring all of that out now and trying to find the best way to go about it. But I will make a difference in this world. Sweetheart, in your honor, I promise to make a change for the positive wherever I can. I promise to spread Christmas cheer all year long. I promise to work hard to help find treatments to prevent and treat mental illness/addiction. I promise to love with all of my heart and be true to myself. I promise to write and record songs.

So, for every cardinal that appears in front of me, for every penny I find randomly in the house, for every hug from Jeffrey, a family member, friend, or stranger, and for every Christmas carol that randomly plays on my phone in the Spring or Summer – Thank you! I miss you beyond description, my baby boy. But I know you are hanging with the best of them up there. Tell Tom Petty I cannot wait to finally meet him someday.

I love you and will see you when I have served my purpose, Mom