Tammi

ADDICTION
ONE ASPECT OF MY ADDICTION WAS MY INABILITY TO DEAL WITH LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS. I TRIED DRUGS AND COMBINATIONS OF DRUGS TO COPE WITH A SEEMINGLY HOSTILE WORLD. I DREAMED OF FINDING A MAGICAL FORMULA THAT WOULD SOLVE MY ULTIMATE PROBLEM- MYSELF. THE FACT THAT I COULD NOT USE ANY MIND-ALTERING OR MOOD CHANGING SUBSTANCE INCLUDING MARIJUANA AND ALCOHOL SUCCESSFULLY, DRUGS CEASED TO MAKE ME FEEL GOOD. AT TIMES I WAS DEFENSIVE ABOUT MY ADDICTION AND JUSTIFIED MY RIGHT TO GET HIGH, ESPECIALLY WHEN I COULD GET LEGAL PRESCRIPTIONS. I WAS PROUD OF THE SOMETIMES ILLEGAL AND OFTEN BAZAAR BEHAVIOR THAT TYPIFIED MY USING. I WOULD FORGET ABOUT THE TIMES WHEN I SAT ALONE AND WAS CONSUMED BY FEAR AND SELF -PITY. I FELL INTO A PATTERN OF SELECTIVE THINKING AND I WOULD ONLY REMEMBER THE GOOD DRUG EXPERIENCES…I WOULD JUSTIFY AND RATIONALIZE THE THINGS THAT I DID TO KEEP FROM BEING SICK OR GOING CRAZY. I IGNORED THE TIMES WHEN LIFE SEEMED TO BE A NIGHTMARE AND I AVOIDED THE REALITY OF MY ADDICTION. HIGHER MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL FUNCTIONS SUCH AS CONSCIENCE AND THE ABILITY TO LOVE WERE SHARPLY AFFECTED BY MY DRUG USE. MY LIVING SKILLS WERE REDUCED TO THE ANIMAL LEVEL AND MY SPIRIT WAS BROKEN, THE CAPACITY TO FEEL HUMAN WAS LOST. THIS SEEMS EXTREME BUT I WAS STUCK IN THIS STATE OF MIND THESE EXPERIENCES INDICATED THAT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY LIFE AND I WANTED AN EASY WAY OUT. ALOT OF TIMES I THOUGHT OF SUICIDE BUT MY ATTEMPTS WERE USUALLY FEEBLE AND ONLY HELPED TO CONTRIBUTE TO MY FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS. I WAS TRAPPED IN THE ILLUSION OF “WHAT IF ” ” IF ONLY ” AND ” JUST ONE MORE TIME “. WHEN I DID SEEK HELP, I WAS ONLY LOOKING FOR THE ABSENCE OF PAIN. I REGAINED GOOD PHYSICAL HEALTH MANY TIMES, ONLY TO LOSE IT TO MY USING AGAIN… MY TRACK RECORD SHOWS IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO USE SUCCESSFULLY. NO MATTER HOW WELL I MAY APPEAR TO BE IN CONTROL, USING ALWAYS BRINGS ME TO MY KNEES… CERTAIN THINGS FOLLOWED AS I CONTINUED TO USE. I BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE STATE OF MIND THAT IS COMMON TO ADDICTS. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SOCIAL GRACE AND I FORGOT WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEFORE I STARTED USING; I AQUIRED STRONG HABITS AND MANNERISMS. I FORGOT HOW TO EXPRESS MYSELF AND SHOW CONCERN FOR OTHERS, I FORGOT HOW TO WORK, I FORGOT HOW TO PLAY AND I FORGOT HOW TO FEEL… AT FIRST I WAS USING IN A MANNER THAT SEEMED TO BE SOCIAL OR AT LEAST, CONTROLLABLE. I HAD LITTLE INDICATION OF THE DISASTER THAT THE FUTURE HELD FOR ME. AT SOME POINT MY USING BECAME UNCONTROLLABLE AND ANTI-SOCIAL. THIS BEGAN WHEN THINGS WERE GOING WELL AND I WAS IN SITUATIONS THAT ALLOWED ME TO USE FREQUENTLY AND THIS WAS USUALLY AT THE END OF GOOD TIMES. I MAY HAVE TRIED TO MODERATE, SUBSTITUTE OR EVEN STOP USING BUT I WENT FROM A STATE OF DRUGGED SUCCESS AND WELL BEING TO COMPLETE DEMOCRATIZATION AS I CONTINUED TO USE… THOSE OF US THAT DON’T DIE FROM OUR ADDICTION WILL GO ON TO PRISON OR MENTAL INSTITUTIONS. MY ADDICTION ENSLAVED ME, I WAS A PRISONER TO MY OWN MIND AND WAS CONDEMED BY MY OWN GUILT. I GAVE UP HOPE OF EVER BEING CLEAN AND STOP USING DRUGS. MY ATTEMPTS TO STAY CLEAN ALWAYS FAILED CAUSING ME MORE PAIN AND MISERY…
WRITTEN BY MY SON THOMAS ALAN BARNES
12/02/1989 – 11/04/2023
WE MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE FREE AT LAST! REST IN PEACE, LOVE ALWAYS, MOM